I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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