her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
