Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
