p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
