i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
