Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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