Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
