No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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