Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
