Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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