This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
