hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
