If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
