We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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