Screwed.edu
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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