I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
