Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
