when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
