is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
