i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I came so hard my ears popped.
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