sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
