Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
