I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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