And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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