i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
