I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
