I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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