I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
