I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
