Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
whose parrot is this?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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