You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i came on her dog
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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