I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
