boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
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