I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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