i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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