I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
