I wish I only lived at night.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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