some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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