i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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