I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
