my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
