You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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