She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
