the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
