she looked like the before picture.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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