you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
