Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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