I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
