If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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