he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
